The Right Free Stuff

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 09/15/2015 at 11:36 • Filed to: corvette, astronauts, nasa, space exploration, regrets in the cold vacuum of space

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I didn’t become an astronaut for the women or to serve my country. No, I did it for the free Corvettes.

You see, ever since the forming of the space program, Chevrolet has handed out free Corvettes to astronauts like razor-blade-filled candy on Halloween. With that in mind, it’s only logical that I dedicated my life to space exploration and the grueling multi-decade training regimens that it required.

First, I became a top gun test pilot for the Air Force. Getting in was easy enough, once I had memorized the secret phrases and photocopied the lead scientist’s answer key when he left it unoccupied on his desk. For anything involving physical fitness, I sent a trustworthy day-labourer in my place. Eventually I got my job offer, and it was time for my first mission.

I showed up early to work and immediately put the helmet and space suit on, so people couldn’t see that I was in fact not a 65 Puerto Rican. After that, it was all a series of muffled conversations and gestures, and I was in the rocket ready for the first firing.

“So, uh, when do they hand out the Corvettes around here?” I asked over the radio.

“When you get back from Mars,” chuckled the Mission Control operator.

“How long is that gonna take?” I asked innocently.

“You’re doing a great thing for your country,” Mission Control changed the subject suddenly, “Enjoy the trip.” A short countdown, during which they muted my mic, and we were off.

After several months of travel, during which relations with my fellow astronauts became increasingly frosty, we landed on the red planet.

As the ship touched down, I forced my way to the front of the line, and said my immortal first words of a man landing on Mars: “Okay great, now we can go home.”

“Go home?” asked the astronaut who left the capsule behind me. I could sense even through the mirrored visor his quizzical look.

I sure hope they figure out how to turn this into a two way trip someday soon. Corvettes probably don’t run very well with no air.

For Sweden > Seat Safety Switch 09/15/2015 at 11:58

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I didn’t become an astronaut for the women

I hope not, because those women will eventually discover that you are an engineer.

f86sabre > For Sweden 09/15/2015 at 12:14

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I was told chicks dig engineers.

For Sweden > f86sabre 09/15/2015 at 12:19

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You were told wrong

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > f86sabre 09/15/2015 at 12:29

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This is the best joke I’ve heard today.

StingrayJake > Seat Safety Switch 09/15/2015 at 12:31

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Matt Damon is going to be pissed.

Seat Safety Switch > StingrayJake 09/15/2015 at 12:41

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Spoiler alert: The movie ends with him getting home and not being able to drive stick in his free Corvette.

Everyone laughs.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 09/15/2015 at 13:37

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Always read the fine print. Always.

ultimatt > Seat Safety Switch 09/15/2015 at 15:07

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Corvettes probably don’t run very well with no air.

At least it won’t rust?